RE-COUNT! (for the A.L. CY YOUNG)

EVERYONE HOLD THE PHONE!  STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

The A.L. CY YOUNG ballots are in annnnnnnd...Kate Upton doesn't approve of the results.

Rick Porcello of the boston red sox won the 2016 A.L. Cy Young award. Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander, Kate Upton's fiancée, finished second to Porcello. She did not like that.

Upton expressed her thoughts on Twitter by acknowledging that Verlander, in addition to being a great pitcher, also gets to bang a supermodel.

"Hey @MLB I thought I was the only person allowed to fuck @justinverlander?!", Upton tweeted.

I think John Bender from The Breakfast Club would say,"I think Kate Upton and La La Anthony should get together and go bowling."

FREE TICKETS TO A SPORTING EVENT

It's always impossible to find a person to go to a game when you have an extra ticket. And as you start going down the list of people that you'd want to go, the more out spokenly shocked and unintentionally rude you become. The last person you ask that says,"I can't go", you're like,"Damn! I CANNOT get rid of these!!!"

TRANSLATION- "Man, I can't even get YOU to go. And I've asked EVERYONE I know before I asked you!"

SPOILER ALERT!

Scrolling through movies and the "INFO" button for Turner & Hootch (before you make jokes, I've also had a Mike's Hard Lemonade today so pick the joke you wanna use and you only get one) says...

"A picky police investigator decides to shelter a lone murder witness, a huge slobbering dog who wreaks havoc before his nose finds the killer."

A preview?...OR exactly what happens including the ending?

Gotta Set My Goals Higher

Jack LaLanne swam the length of the Golden Gate Bridge...
...underwater
...while hand cuffed
...and shackled
...all while towing a 1,000 pound boat
...at 61 years of age.

Meanwhile, I slept until 2:30pm today.

Football and 80's Music...What's not to like?

The NFL season has reached the halfway point and instead of Mid-Season awards, I've assigned each quarterback a song from the 80's that sums up their season so far. And for my next trick, I will waste the next week and a half you-tubing every 80's song that was ever made while doing my best not to late night drunkenly text ex-girlfriends when I get to the ballads section. 

NY GIANTS- Eli Manning: High Enough, Damn Yankees

Dallas- Dak Prescott/Tony Romo: At This Moment, Billy Vera

Philly- Carson Wentz: Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Guns 'n Roses

Washington- Kirk Cousins: Don't You Want Me Baby, Human League

Atlanta- Matt Ryan: Under Pressure, Queen

New Orleans- Drew Brees: Don't Dream It's Over, Crowded House

Tampa Bay- Jameis Winston: Smooth Criminal, Michael Jackson

Carolina- Cam Newton: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, Culture Club

Minnesota- Sam Bradford: Careless Whisper, George Michael

Detroit- Matt Stafford: Cruel Summer, Bananarama

Green Bay- Aaron Rodgers: Don't Stop Believin', Journey

Chicago- Jay Cutler: Hard To Say I'm Sorry, Chicago

Seattle- Russell Wilson: Like A Virgin, Madanna

Arizona- Carson Palmer: Forever Young, Rod Stewart

Los Angeles- Case Keenum/Jared Goff: Who Can It Be Now, Men At Work

San Francisco- Colin Kapernick: Born In The USA, Bruce Springsteen

New England- Tom Brady: You're The Best Around, Joe Esposito

Miami- Ryan Tannehill: Blame It On The Rain, Milli Vanilli

Buffalo- Tyrod Taylor: Take It On The Run, REO Speedwagon

NY Jets- Fitzpatrick, Smith, Petty, Hackenberg: Summer Of '69, Brian Adams

Houston- Brock Osweiler: Money For Nothing, Dire Straits

Tennessee- Marcus Mariota: St. Elmo's Fire, John Parr

Indianapolis- Andrew Luck: Here I Go Again On My Own, Whitesnake

Jacksonville- Blake Bortles: Another One Bites The Dust, Queen

Baltimore- Joe Flacco: Don't You Forget About Me, Simple Minds

Pittsburgh- Ben Roethlisberger: 18 & Life, Skid Row

Cincinnati- Andy Dalton: Bringin' On The Heartbreak, Def Leppard

Cleveland- Cody Kessler: Look Away, Chicago

Oakland- David Carr: The Right Stuff, New Kids On The Block

Kansas City- Alex Smith: If I Could Turn Back Time, Cher

Denver- Trevor Siemian: Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone, Cinderella

San Diego- Philip Rivers: Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, U2

Apparently No Place In The World Compares To....(Ron Burgundy Voice)... Cleveland???

Lebron James tonight-

"If you're not from here, live here, play here, or dedicate yourself to Cleveland, then it makes no sense for you to live at this point," James said.

You're aware that you insisted on having a national broadcast on ESPN to tell the world that you were leaving Cleveland and going to play for Miami right?

"...then it makes no sense for you to live at this point."

I'd say that's slightly over the top. But then again, I've only flown through Cleveland.

Also...raise your hand if you've ever "dedicated yourself to Cleveland". And if you're raising your hand, stop, because you haven't. And if you actually have?.....Stop.

ANNNNND He's Back...With an 80's movie question...

The movie Teen Wolf...
I'm not sure who should be more confused here...the guy at the bottom of the pile trying to wrestle the ball away from Michael J. Fox, who all of a sudden turns into a werewolf for the first time...
..or me, who is watching this movie and contemplating this scenario.
I feel like the both of us are equally confused.

Thanks for the pep-talk Coach...

A local high school football coach on his team's preparation for their game against Staten Island...

"I told the boys all week this is gunna be a bar room brawl - bottom line. It's got nothing to do with X's and O's, it's about who punches who in the face and who gets up and punches right back."

Unfortunately for him, people from Staten Island have experience in 3 things -

1. not knowing X's and O's,

2. bar - room brawls

3. and punching people in the face

Might Wanna Re-Phrase That...

Former German Soccer Coach and new U.S. Soccer Head Coach Jurgen Klinsmann on U.S. Soccer.....

"I deeply believe that soccer reflects the culture of a country. America never waits and sees and leaves it to other people what is next. America likes to decide on its' own what is next...I see using a proactive style...dictating."

Words you should probably avoid as a German guy in control......dictating.

Who are you talking to here?

I was on the Staten Island Ferry and this announcement comes over the PA system...

"Please pay careful attention to the following safety instructions..."

I think it's worth mentioning that the Staten Island Ferry has crashed into its' own dock roughly a dozen times

Not Exactly Normal...

In an article about Ginger Lee's involvement in the Anthony Weiner scandal, her lawyer has come out with this statement about her client...

"She hopes she will be able to resume her normal life."

Ginger Lee's a porn star by the way.

Top Advisor?...Really?

Bay Frazier, Carmelo Anthony's top advisor, wrote on Twitter that Anthony is being sought to play lucrative exhibitions in Europe:

"I keep getting all these offers for him to play overseas in exhibition games. Lol. And the paper ain't that bad at all."

Frazier, where is your top advisor being like,"Hey moron, stop using the phrase ain't."

Priorities?

The judge residing in the Roger Clemens perjury trial declared a mistrial. A hearing is set for September 2nd to determine whether or not to hold a new trial to find out if Clemens lied to Congress about taking steroids when he played baseball.

Nothing on a solution for the National Debt yet.

No Way!

The NY Daily News reported today that there is a "pipeline where Mexicans living in New York City are providing illegal drugs to New Yorkers." Thank you Daily News.

Also, in more late breaking news...we landed on the moon.

Ok...The Hot Dog Eating Contest...

For the love of God, stop telling me that defending champion Joey Chestnut has a lingering shoulder injury that might be affecting how many hot dogs he can eat. Because he just ate 62 of them in 10 minutes. His shoulder seems fine.....I think the only thing that took a hit here were his chances of getting laid.

In a recent commercial, Lyrica, a drug that treats Diabetic Nerve Pain, looks like it only has a few drawbacks. The commercial goes onto say that Lyrica may cause "serious allergic reactions or suicidal thoughts or actions."

Oh that's all?? It doesn't actually just kill you? They kinda leave the ball in your court there.

In another recent commercial, Jameson said, "Stop using our lines."

Metta World Peace...why not?

Ron Artest legally changed his name to "Metta World Peace'...and he sounds like he gave it some careful consideration.

"I gotta give credit to Ochocinco...because...he changed his name...and I was like,"Woah...that's real cool."

"I'm not Buddhist or anything...but...you know, it was inspired by Buddhism though."

"At first I thought about just changing it to 'Ron World Peace'...but...I just thought, that ain't fly enough."

There's no way basketball had anything to do with him getting into St. John's.

Tales From the 6...

"I got a right to express my muthafuckin' opinion!"

-crazy guy on the 6 to nobody in particular.

I wish I had heard that quote back when I was trying to come up with a name for this blog. Igotarighttoexpressmymuthafuckinopinion.blogspot.com Just rolls off the tongue.

Quick Hits...

• Thompson's Water Seal, relax with your commercials in NYC...cause none of us have a deck...and for the people that do have a deck, I'm sure they can afford to replace some rotted wood. And also, if you do have a deck in NYC, go fuck yourself.



• And while I'm at it, if you drink sparkling water, you're an asshole.....hope it spills all over your unstained deck.



• Please stop the commercials for the "Shake Weight" for women...for so many reasons.



• Hey newspapers, if you're gunna show a map of the US in your weather section and assign specific colors to certain areas according to temperatures and expect the key at the bottom of the page to be the basis of those colors, make sure it's not printed in black and white. Kinda defeats the purpose. If not, bundle up Miami, you're in for a 30 degree night...or Anchorage is, not sure.

My new favorite NBA ref...

Easily my favorite headline from the NBA season...

"REFEREE REPORTEDLY TELLS SUNS PLAYER, "STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH" THEN EJECTS HIM"

There's not one thing about that headline that I don't love.