After the Giants meltdown against the eagles, Michael Vick was offended when the Giants didn't stay to shake hands. Vick said, "For them to walk off the field at the end really didn't show good sportsmanship."

That's true...apparently this is the way to walk off a field while showing good sportsmanship.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlXxj7Pzaw4

Strong case Mike.

Define Contradiction.....

Michael Vick on owning a dog...

"It could be a part of my rehabilitation process showing people I do care about animals sincerely and genuinely."

Well that's an interesting comment seeing that it was disclosed during his trial that the animals in his "care" that fell short in competition were tortured and killed.

Yup...and Eliot Spitzer wants another date.

William Nathan Pomakoy wrote the following...

Andre Johnson vs Cortland Finnegan

Cortland Finnegan has a reputation of being called for unsportsmanlike conduct penalties (4 this season). Andre Johnson doesn't have that rep. They were both worthy of suspensions after their street fight during the Texans/Titans game on Sunday. The NFL decided to only fine both players instead of issuing suspensions. Conveniently, the Texans are playing the Eagles Thursday night...a game only televised on the NFL Network, obviously owned by the NFL. Imagine the ratings if the Texans most popular player, Johnson, wasn't suiting up for the game. Shockingly, he'll be in the starting lineup. Ratings versus integrity...money always wins. Finnegan and Johnson, thank the guy who makes the schedule. And Finnegan...thank the ref that separated Johnson from you.

I love me some Charlie Sheen reactions

• Overhearing about Charlie's escapade at The Plaza... randon guy- "Can we please bust him out of rehab and hang out with him?"

• Quote from a bathroom attendant that walked in the bathroom where Sheen was...

-"When the assistant opened the door, there was Charlie standing there naked with cocaine all over his face."

My question is...when you're walked in on like that, what's the call? What situation are you taking care of first?

Pants....

• There are few things in the world that scare me more than teenagers walking around on Halloween


• If I say that I'm really impressed with people that are great at crossword puzzles, does that instantly make me sound a little bit stupid?


• What's the protocol when you see a guy walking down the street and his fly's down? Head nod. Eye contact. Mid contact. Double Head nod? Or just grab the guy by the shoulder and zip the fly up. And then figure out which one of your boys are gunna go to the ATM for $500.

Quick Hits...

• Swedish telecom giant TeliaSonera yesterday started offering 3G cell and internet service on the 29,029-foot peak of Mount Everest. Oh thank god.
• There was a category in Jeopardy where the answer had to begin with an "F". The name of the category was "F" In Geography. "I'll take F-in Geography for $500 Alex."
• Ya know what old men in the the locker room at the gym love to do? ...talk to you while they're completely ass naked. Ya know what else they love to do?...not give a shit whether you like it or not.

NYC Quick Thoughts...

• I gave $5 to a homeless man a few days ago. I walked by him yesterday and he was sitting in the same spot...enjoying a movie on his portable DVD player. Can I get my five bucks back please? Did he steal it? Either that or I missed an incredible sale at Best Buy over the weekend.

• (I get into a cab around Union Square)

Me- Just take a left at the next light.
Cabbie- Ok.
(we proceed to drive by the left hand turn)
Me- Where are we going?
Cabbie- This way. (and points forward)
Me- I can see that. Why are we going this way?
Cabbie- Because you told me to go straight at the light.
Me- No, I said go left.
Cabbie- No, you said go straight...you wanna bet?
Me- Ugh, what?

• I really don't wanna hate the people on the sidwalk that stop you in stride, get in front of you and try to get you to donate a minimum of $20 to charities right on the spot...but I do.

• The other day I walked into a corner deli, picked up the paper, read the front page headline and without even thinking, put it in my bag and walked over to order a sandwich. I get to the counter to pay and the guy was like, "Anything else?" I was like,"Yeah, the paper." He handed me one and I was like, "I've already got one right he-..." I started looking for it, couldn't find it, realized it was in my bag...opened my bag and said "Oh..ugh...this...too." And hesitantly put it back in my bag as I was given a much deserved staredown from the guy behind the counter.

NO SHIT!

Quotes from sportscasters that are so obvious that the only thing you can think to say is "No Shit!"

Situation- Kerry Wood has struggled with injuries throughout his career, being placed on the disabled list 14 times in the 13 seasons of his major league career.
Quote-"Kerry Wood turned out to have a few physical issues."

Situation- Bottom 9, men on 2nd and 3rd, two out, 2 strikes. Papelbon throws a ball.
Quote-"Papelbon definitely wanted that strikeout."

Situation- Andy Roddick just set the world record for hitting a tennis ball 155 mph.
Quote- "Voltchkov couldn't quite get to that that serve."

Situation- During the Ryder Cup, Tiger Woods was about to chip a shot that was about 75 feet from the pin.
Quote- "He's gotta be careful not to over-swing."

Situation- The Chicago Bears had several penalties in the 2nd half during their game against the NY football Giants.
Quote - "13 2nd half penalties...all in the 2nd half, that's way too many many."

The Rule is.....

Detroit Lions Head Coach Jim Schwartz commenting on the controversial last play of the game between the Lions and the Bears...

"If you're going to the ground in the process of making a catch, you need to finish with the football." -Schwartz. Absolutely...you do. No question about it. And Schwartz has a great resume to back that quote up.

Head Coach of an NFL team? Check.
Georgetown graduate? Check.
Coaching in the NFL since 1993? Check.
Knows defense and offense every which way possible? Check.

These are reasons I should trust Jim Schwartz's comments.

Except I don't trust grown men that wear an earring.

Because...A) you're not in Myrtle Beach. 2) you're not 17. And D) well I just don't trust grown men that sport an earring.

Joe Buck talked about Jose Morales defecting from Cuba…
“It was a tough road for Morales. He tried to defect from Cuba 12 times…he was successful the 12th time.”
Yeah I heard that road from Cuba to the US can be a bitch. And telling me he tried 12 times and was successful the 12th time is like when someone loses something and another person says, “It’s always the last place you look.”

Has anyone seen the commercial where Morgan Freeman has an earring? About time, it is 2010.

Alex Rodriguez reported to Spring Training the other day and said that his hip is feeling great. The headline in The NY Post was “A-OK”. Have we officially run out of words that begin with “A” when trying to come up with Alex Rodriguez headlines?

Watching baseball players pop sunflower seeds is like watching my 5 year old niece eat ice cream in August.

Tim McCarver- “Andy Pettitte’s about as easy to read as Greek is.” Joke to follow.

Sometime before the 7th inning Ozzie Guillen will offend, at a minimum, 4 ethnicities…and maybe by then his eyes will be a little less bloodshot from all the bong hits.

Professions that should have the highest paid salaries…doctors, teachers and hockey play by play announcers.

NASCAR Sprint Cup…Las Vegas
Jimmie Johnson- “This track makes me feel a little uncomfortable.”
Jimmie, you’re driving 250 mph in a circle with 50 other cars doing the same thing…that makes ME feel a little uncomfortable…and I’m sitting on my couch.

Intentional walks and Coaches' Challenges...

Alright, here’s my take on intentional walks in baseball and coaches challenging calls in an NFL game.

As far as intentional walks go, I completely understand that sometimes it’s in a team’s best interest to walk a guy who’s in the zone or walking someone to set up a double play or force out. That being said, the pitchers are professional pitchers. That’s what they do. Before an intentional walk, the pitcher should have to get on a microphone, in front of a packed house, and say to the batter, “I don’t think there’s any way I could strike you out.”
In the Monday Night Football game this week, New York Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin challenged two calls made by the referees early in the game. He won both challenges. At that point, as the ref comes back to the field to explain the outcome and says New York will not be charged a timeout, he should have to end it with, “And Coach Coughlin, I’m sorry…you were right, I was wrong, totally my bad. ” In a game, coaches are allowed to throw the challenge flag twice. Coughlin used both of his challenges in the 1st half and again, won both of them. Now he’s out of challenges for the rest of the game. That wouldn’t make me feel too comfortable as a head coach. “I’ve corrected you twice already and now I have to go the rest of the game hoping you don’t screw anymore calls up, because I’m out of challenges.” If you go 2 for 2 in challenges, you should be allowed to keep challenging plays until you’re wrong.
Turns out I’m a big fan of “microphone use” as a problem solver. That being said, there have been a few instances where karaoke has NOT solved my problems.

I LOVE.....

…that NFL Broadcaster Merrill Hodge owns the best and fattest tie knot known to man…and also one of the strangest first names.

…Chase Utley all day long. In the bottom of the 3rd, with no outs in Game 6 in the NLCS, Utley was hit in the back by a pitch from Jonathan Sanchez. Utley was jogging to first when the ball caromed to him and he nonchalantly tossed it back to the mound. Sanchez took offense, looked at Utley at first base and screamed something along the lines of “Excuse me sir, I really don’t appreciate that.” Hearing this, Utley looked back at Sanchez and said something along the lines of “I’m shocked by your reaction, are you sure that you took my action as something demeaning?” Benches cleared. An option for hitters when they think they were intentionally thrown at; get hit, jog to 1st, take your lead…casually walk back to 1st… cock back and throw a haymaker to the 1st baseman square in the ribs. Base runner to the 1st baseman- “Didn’t see that coming? Neither did I.” At first it might sound ridiculous…but think about it.

…the faces of the players on the winning team after realizing that they’re going to the World Series. You can’t put it into words…and I know…having…ughh…never been there before. …endzone celebrations that are warranted. David Bowens intercepted two passes this weekend and ran them back for touchdowns. One of which, he stopped at the goal line and somersaulted into the end-zone. And ya know what? Good for him. He’s played football his entire life and at 33, deserves a somersault. And that is probably the first and last time somebody will use the word “somersault” twice in a paragraph. That being said, I’d like to apologize to Romania’s women’s play-by-play gymnastics radio personal

I Feel Like...

• I have no idea why the obesity rate for American adults is 34%.....well, except this one...KFC's new sandwich; which slaps 2 strips of bacon and 2 slices of cheese in between 2 processed chicken tender patties. That should bump us up to an even 40%.
• With a steroids cloud hovering over their sport, I think that baseball players should try to refrain from using the phrase, "We needed a shot in the arm" when talking about a big hit that led to a win.
• Brett Favre speaking on his performance in Thursday's loss to New Orleans- "I did all I could to prepare for this game." Ummm...no you didn't Brett. You decided not to go to training camp.
• Andy Pettitte's first rehab start will be for Double-A Trenton while facing New Hampshire in Game 2 of their playoff series. I'm sure New Hampshire is not too thrilled about that.
• Jets CB Darrelle Revis sat out training camp because he was demanding a 10-year, $162 million dollar contract. By the way, I over drafted my account the other day.
• Is there a play by a shortstop that is more jaw dropping than Jeter's "Flip Play"?
• I defy anyone, regardless of age, to say that they don't enjoy a good glass of chocolate milk
• I love the NBA players that put money and injury risk aside and play for the their National Team
• The Saturday night before the first Sunday of the NFL season reminds me of the feeling you get on Christmas Eve
• Word to the wise- when you're having a Labor Day party and you're transferring steamed vegetables from one pan to another over a lit oven top...make sure that, A) the receiving pan is not glazed with olive oil and B) that your renter's insurance is already paid that month.

Dolphins players crawl across field searching for $50,000 earring

Miami Dolphins defensive end Kendall Langford lost one of his $50,000 earrings during practice because he forgot to remove them beforehand.

This is why people don't have sympathy for professional athletes.

Whenever someone complains about how ridiculous the enormous contracts are that pro athletes sign, I always defend the athletes by saying they're paid according to their market value. It's a stance that I feel everyone should apply to their own profession. But, it's stories like this that make it difficult to justify. When you make enough money to sport $100,000 earrings...be responsible for them. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.

Dwight Howard wants a tiger...

Over the last few years there has been speculation that professional athletes have lost their professionalism. And it's comments like this that don't exactly help their rally to deter such thoughts...

Orlando Magic Center Dwight Howard, speaking about his recent trip to India where while he was there saw a few tigers, said,"I've always wanted to own my own tigers." Ok...if you have a red flag, please throw it. "I've always wanted to own my own tigers." I'm skeptical when Jack Hanna brings a bird onto the Letterman set (and I'm pretty sure Letterman is too by the way). I used to have to convince my parents that the goldfish I had just won by tossing a ping-pong ball into its' bowl had a promising life ahead of it if I took care of it the right way. Which by the time I was finished with my convincing argument (at age 9), the fish was already dead...it may or may not have had something to do with the fact that it lived in a plastic bag overnight.

My advice to Dwight Howard is; get a goldfish first, see how it goes, if you can keep it alive during your 82 game season, then go for the tiger. That way you'll have the whole off season to raise it. And if you have any questions, just give Mike Tyson a shout.

Dammit!

"Don't wrap my chute around the flagpole, don't wrap my chute around the flagpole, don't wrap my chute around the flagpo....DAMMIT!!!"

After 7 seasons, Jose Bautista locates his "Power Swing"

Jose Bautista, an outfielder for the Toronto Blue Jays, is the major league leader in home runs. He also leads the majors in "Most likely to be compared with Brady Anderson".

Bautista's home run and RBI totals over the past 4 seasons go as follows: 16HR-51RBI, 15HR-63RBI, 15HR-54RBI, 13HR-40RBI. Through August 24th, he has 40HRs and 95RBI. Anderson's totals for the 4 years before his "break out" season were: 21HR-80 RBI, 13HR-66RBI, 12HR-48RBI, 16HR-64RBI...then he went for 50HR-110RBI. Somewhere George Mitchell is contemplating coming out of retirement.

Dutch girl eyes record with round-world voyage

Laura Dekker, 14, will set off Saturday on a controversial attempt to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world.

Remember when you were 14 and asked your mom if you could take a quick sail around the world?

In defending their decision to allow their daughter to attempt this trip around the world, her parents said that Laura is "very mature for her age." I'm gunna stop ya right there. No she's not! She's 14! If she's mature for her age, put her in Honors English or give her some advanced logic proofs to work on.

"You seem pretty mature for a 14-year old...instead of bringing you up to the JV Sailing team, let's see how you hold your own in a little solo sailing trip around the world."

Robaire Smith is an NFL defensive lineman for the Cleveland Browns. His job requires him to fly. He's been in the league for 10 years. He's got a few flights under his belt. And at 32, I'm assuming he's heard a few things...one of them being that you can't bring a weapon onto a plane. That being said, he was stopped at a Michigan airport for carrying a gun through airport security. He was going through the bag check and they stopped him because a gun was found in his carry-on. Hey it happens to everybody...the whole "Oh shit (slap to the forehead), did I forget to take my gun outta of my bag?" thing. His quote is the best part about it. When confronted, he said, "I forgot I had a loaded gun in my carry-on." Now, the last time I was passing through baggage check, they questioned me as to why I had tweezers in my carry-on (which also made me question myself as to why I was carrying tweezers in my carry-on), and I went through an everything but cavity search to see if I was dangerous. I had to throw my tweezers away. Robaire most likely just had to check his loaded gun...and the Browns were 5-11 last year. Drew Brees, please check your carry-on before your next road game.

NY KNICKS RE-HIRE ISIAH THOMAS

Seriously, they did. I'm from NY, I live in New York City and love rooting for our home teams. The Knicks are making this tough to do.
The Knicks have re-hired Thomas as a consultant/player recruiter. Ok...there's a few things wrong with this. The first one being that Thomas is responsible for bringing in Eddy Curry, Jerome James, Jared Jeffries, Vin Baker and Steve Francis. How'd that pan out? The second one being that an NBA team representative cannot have contact with college underclassmen. Thomas is the head coach of Florida International University. I'm guessing he might have a few underclassmen on his roster. Toss in the $11 million the Knicks paid for his sexual harrassment case and the fact that when he was running the team they had the highest payroll in the league accompanied by the league's 2nd worst record, I'd say this is a sound investment. And LeBron can't save you now.

Not everyone likes bottles...

I'm sitting on my balcony tonight and I see a guy walking down the street with a garbage bag...and his bag is "clinking"...so I assume he's collecting bottles. I stand up and say, "Bottles? (and he didn't hear me so I said it a little bit louder) HEY, you want BOTTLES?? (thinking if he does, I'll give him the things in my recycling bin) And he gives me this 'eyebrow down, face cheeks squinted, head tilted up' look face. Now after that look, I know I've somehow crossed the line, whether I like it or not (or know it or not).....I'm not sure if it was the "Bottles?" comment or the "HEY, you want BOTTLES??" comment but this guy with a bag is more than pissed. He looks at me and goes, "What!?" .....(at this point I realize he lives across the street and is just taking out his garbage) I pause for a second and say, "Bottles?...Do we put them out tonight?" As he's walking back into his place, he looks over his right shoulder and goes, "Yeah."...then I retired from the balcony for a little while...and shut my blinds.

T.O. signs with the Bengals

TERRELL OWENS SIGNS WITH THE BENGALS

Too many jokes.....I'll get back to this when I narrow it down to around 20 or so.

DEZ BRYANT REFUSES TO CARRY ROY WILLIAMS’ SHOULDER PADS

I’m actually going to defend both sides of this situation. I’m not a fan of any kind of ridiculous rookie hazing…but I respect tradition.
Dez Bryant, you’re acting like Roy Williams was directing this at you. Guess what? You’re not that special. He would’ve done this to anyone inside that helmet you’re wearing. Everyone in your sport has to go through it whether you like it or not. During preseason of my freshman year of college, after every session (4 of them a day), I was responsible for gathering all the soccer balls everyday during preseason (for 2 weeks). At the end of every session, every senior would pick up a ball and punt it at least 50 yards in every opposite direction…I spent half of my break time looking for them. Not fun. And if I recall, my signing bonus wasn’t exactly close to yours. If I exclaimed out loud, “Guys! I came here to play soccer, not to get balls,” I would’ve been made fun of for A) bitching about it and B) for the way I just phrased that. My point…suck it up and carry his shoulder pads back to the locker room. Don’t try and be a trend setter. In this day and age, you’re not gunna be a trailblazer…although you’re acting like an athlete that could play for the Trail Blazers.
Roy Williams…really? You’re hazing people? If I was Dez Bryant I would’ve pulled out your stat sheet from your time with the Cowboys, handed it to you and said,”…Where’s Jason Witten? I’ll be glad to carry his shoulder pads.”
If you're gunna haze rookies, don't do it in a way that creates tension within a team, do it in a way that insinuates team camaraderie.

You have to capitalize on these chances to write about wide receivers acting like prima donnas cause it almost never happens in the NFL.

Is anyone else petrified by this? I'm not sure what's more ridiculous...the 40-ton whale that's about to board the yacht...or...the "Captain" looking in the complete opposite direction while this happens?...Which leads me to my next thought....."Fuck whales."

THE E.R. BRAKE

I was on the train today and saw the "public" emergency brake. The sign above it read "TO OPEN DOOR FOR EMERGENCY, BREAK GLASS, PULL HANDLE." After I read it, I thought about it for a second...then another second...then another second...then I looked cautiously over my shoulder...looked left...looked right...and with curiosity in my mind, gently touched the glass with my hand to see what kind of glass we'd all be dealing with if an actual emergency took place. I kind of had it in mind that for some reason it would be breakable glass...apparently I watch too many movies...not the case. Turns out it's actual glass...can't fault them there (they have it in CAPS in the directions). OK...so now...if an emergency occurs...where I have to "BREAK GLASS" then "PULL HANDLE", am I just cocking back and breaking this glass with my hand? Not as easy as they make it sound. Cause there's nothing more embarrassing than either A) missing the glass with an overly enthusiastic haymaker that lands on the girl next to the glass or B) punching it as hard as you can and just splintering it (not really sure if "splintering" is even a word but it is now). I feel like the person best equipped to take charge at this time is the one who takes out a hammer from their bag and smashes it. Done. Smashed. Handle is pulled. We're off the train. Every one's safe...and now in the company of someone who's randomly carrying a hammer at 2am.....maybe that was the emergency on the train.

"D-Wade, he's the unselfish guy here," James said. "To be able to have Chris Bosh and LeBron James, to welcome us to his team, it's not about an individual here. "It's about a team." -LeBron James

Sorry, refresh my memory. When you go 3rd person, are you "about an individual" or "about a team?" Just wondering.

ARTICLE ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF JAYSON WERTH GOING FROM THE PHILLIES TO EITHER THE YANKEES, red sox OR RAYS

“He is the piece for all those teams,” said a person not affiliated with any of the four teams involved.
So let me get this straight…anyone from my mom to my local dry cleaner might have said this? At least they narrowed it down to “a person”.

LEBRON JAMES, DWAYNE WADE AND CHRIS BOSH WERE GIVEN KEYS TO THE CITY EARLIER TODAY

Ok…does anybody know what the hell giving somebody “a key to the city” means? Seriously. Give these guys a key to my apartment so the next time I forget my keys and am locked out of my apartment at 3am, I don’t have to sleep in the hallway. “LeBron it’s Nate…sorry…yeah, locked out again…I don’t know, I think in my golf bag?...Thanks man, really appreciate it…yeah, I’ll be in the hallway.” Sounds like a pretty prestigious honor.
Probably should also be noted that in 1980, Saddam Hussein was awarded a key to the city of Detroit by Mayor Coleman Young. Kind of makes hearing that Terrell Owens has a key to the city of Buffalo sound not that ridiculous.