Thanks for the pep-talk Coach...

A local high school football coach on his team's preparation for their game against Staten Island...

"I told the boys all week this is gunna be a bar room brawl - bottom line. It's got nothing to do with X's and O's, it's about who punches who in the face and who gets up and punches right back."

Unfortunately for him, people from Staten Island have experience in 3 things -

1. not knowing X's and O's,

2. bar - room brawls

3. and punching people in the face

Might Wanna Re-Phrase That...

Former German Soccer Coach and new U.S. Soccer Head Coach Jurgen Klinsmann on U.S. Soccer.....

"I deeply believe that soccer reflects the culture of a country. America never waits and sees and leaves it to other people what is next. America likes to decide on its' own what is next...I see using a proactive style...dictating."

Words you should probably avoid as a German guy in control......dictating.

Who are you talking to here?

I was on the Staten Island Ferry and this announcement comes over the PA system...

"Please pay careful attention to the following safety instructions..."

I think it's worth mentioning that the Staten Island Ferry has crashed into its' own dock roughly a dozen times

Not Exactly Normal...

In an article about Ginger Lee's involvement in the Anthony Weiner scandal, her lawyer has come out with this statement about her client...

"She hopes she will be able to resume her normal life."

Ginger Lee's a porn star by the way.

Top Advisor?...Really?

Bay Frazier, Carmelo Anthony's top advisor, wrote on Twitter that Anthony is being sought to play lucrative exhibitions in Europe:

"I keep getting all these offers for him to play overseas in exhibition games. Lol. And the paper ain't that bad at all."

Frazier, where is your top advisor being like,"Hey moron, stop using the phrase ain't."

Priorities?

The judge residing in the Roger Clemens perjury trial declared a mistrial. A hearing is set for September 2nd to determine whether or not to hold a new trial to find out if Clemens lied to Congress about taking steroids when he played baseball.

Nothing on a solution for the National Debt yet.

No Way!

The NY Daily News reported today that there is a "pipeline where Mexicans living in New York City are providing illegal drugs to New Yorkers." Thank you Daily News.

Also, in more late breaking news...we landed on the moon.

Ok...The Hot Dog Eating Contest...

For the love of God, stop telling me that defending champion Joey Chestnut has a lingering shoulder injury that might be affecting how many hot dogs he can eat. Because he just ate 62 of them in 10 minutes. His shoulder seems fine.....I think the only thing that took a hit here were his chances of getting laid.

In a recent commercial, Lyrica, a drug that treats Diabetic Nerve Pain, looks like it only has a few drawbacks. The commercial goes onto say that Lyrica may cause "serious allergic reactions or suicidal thoughts or actions."

Oh that's all?? It doesn't actually just kill you? They kinda leave the ball in your court there.

In another recent commercial, Jameson said, "Stop using our lines."

Metta World Peace...why not?

Ron Artest legally changed his name to "Metta World Peace'...and he sounds like he gave it some careful consideration.

"I gotta give credit to Ochocinco...because...he changed his name...and I was like,"Woah...that's real cool."

"I'm not Buddhist or anything...but...you know, it was inspired by Buddhism though."

"At first I thought about just changing it to 'Ron World Peace'...but...I just thought, that ain't fly enough."

There's no way basketball had anything to do with him getting into St. John's.

Tales From the 6...

"I got a right to express my muthafuckin' opinion!"

-crazy guy on the 6 to nobody in particular.

I wish I had heard that quote back when I was trying to come up with a name for this blog. Igotarighttoexpressmymuthafuckinopinion.blogspot.com Just rolls off the tongue.

Quick Hits...

• Thompson's Water Seal, relax with your commercials in NYC...cause none of us have a deck...and for the people that do have a deck, I'm sure they can afford to replace some rotted wood. And also, if you do have a deck in NYC, go fuck yourself.



• And while I'm at it, if you drink sparkling water, you're an asshole.....hope it spills all over your unstained deck.



• Please stop the commercials for the "Shake Weight" for women...for so many reasons.



• Hey newspapers, if you're gunna show a map of the US in your weather section and assign specific colors to certain areas according to temperatures and expect the key at the bottom of the page to be the basis of those colors, make sure it's not printed in black and white. Kinda defeats the purpose. If not, bundle up Miami, you're in for a 30 degree night...or Anchorage is, not sure.

My new favorite NBA ref...

Easily my favorite headline from the NBA season...

"REFEREE REPORTEDLY TELLS SUNS PLAYER, "STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH" THEN EJECTS HIM"

There's not one thing about that headline that I don't love.

Sound advice from a cab driver...

Got in a cab tonight and asked the driver how his night was going. Great response...

"It's been pretty slow but ya know what? You can't control everything, you've just gotta focus on what you can control and not let the other things bother you. You can't control the economy, the weather or how other people act. You just have to put positive thoughts out there and hope that-(as we get cut off by a Lexus)- LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN' GUY!!! WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS!?!?

High Socks For Hope

David and Erin Robertson have created a fund to help those affected by the devastating tornadoes that hit David's hometown of Tuscaloosa, Alabama on April 27, 2011. David has pledged to donate $100 for every strikeout he records throughout the 2011 Season.

Donate
If you would like to make a tax-deductible donation, please make checks payable to:
"The David and Erin Robertson Foundation"
Mail checks to:Fidelity Charitable Gift FundPO Box 770001 Cincinnati, OH 45277-0053
100% of your donation will go directly toward relief efforts.

Anything you can do is more than appreciated.

I love NYC...because just when you think you're out of things to write about...in walks the guy wearing a full karategi onto the subway platform.

Thank God they cut to a meterorologist before the Yanks/Tampa Bay game to give the forecast during the game...which was being played in Tampa...where they play in a dome. It would've been more helpful if they cut to me 20 minutes ago when I was trying to spell the word "meteorologist"...which I just had to dictionary.com

How warm is Coors Light?

So instead of only having just one bar on their bottle that indicates that a Coors Light bottle is "Cold", Coors Light has now provided more evidence to state their claim that their beer is not warm. The new bottles now have two bars that indicate if the bottle is "Cold" or "Super Cold". I'm kinda without words right now. So I'm guessing this new bottle is for people with hands that lack sensory nerves? Or just people without hands.

If Horses Could Talk.....

There was a headline about The Preakness that read "LOSING JOCKEYS HAVE THEIR SAY".

And here's what they had to say.....These are the jockeys that couldn't win , for apparently, these reasons.....

"For a while, I thought we were going to hit the board, but he just was not quite good enough." -Edgar Prado

"He didn't handle the track." -Martin Garcia

"He didn't try." -Garcia

I spoke to a few of the horses after the race and the general consensus was "STOP F-ING WHIPPING ME A$$HOLE!"

The other horses mumbled something along the lines of "STOP F-ING WHIPPING ME A$$HOLE!"

The other horses I spoke with were out of breath after running one and three-sixteenth of a mile under two minutes with a person on their back. The one horse that would talk, Flashpoint, said,"F-ck you Roger Bannister, try that with me on your back."

Then the horse said, "Yo Nate, this post is way too long." He was the one that didn't appreciate the "Why the long face" comment. Also probably why he finished last.....too busy thinking about jokes.

The Masters Tournament...

• You wanna make golf a little more interesting? Make a rule where they have to finish a beer on every hole. Talk about some good interviews.


• CBS Announcer on Tiger....."Tiger's had a rough week." A rough week?


• Toss in the camera man in charge of locating and then tracking the golf ball in mid-flight into the discussion of world's most difficult professions.


• Also toss it into the discussion of "How the hell did you get that job" discussion


• South African Charl Schwartzel finished Sunday with four birdies, a course record. He also set a new course record for the amount of times someone asked "Who the hell is Charl Schwartzel?"

Quick Hits...

• Dunkin' Donuts is now selling stuffed pepperoni breadsticks. In rationalizing there decision to market such an item they replied, "Well, America just isn't fat enough."


• Sonic, none of your branches are in NYC...stop with your commercials that air in NYC. And while we're at it...just stop in general.


• The Egyptian King Cobra that went missing from The Bronx Zoo was found the other day. Zookeepers had been looking for the cobra for over a week and found the snake coiled in a secluded dark corner -"almost exactly as we would have predicted," Zoo director James Brehemy said. "Almost exactly as we would have predicted." Let me break this quote down for you..."Almost exactly"- so you didn't think it would've been in a corner. "As we would have predicted"-so you didn't even make a prediction. Strong case Mr. Breheny. That was actually his 2nd quote after finding the snake. His 1st quote being, "THANK F-CKING GOD!"


• How are some of the comics in the paper still being published? Like the ones that are slightly complicated and end with "To Be Continued", what's that all about? It's a comic, finish it. I know what you're thinking right now, how'd I get so smart.

Dear Sportswriters,

Please stop predicting the outcome of the Final Four games at this point. There's an 11 seed, an 8 seed, a 4 seed and a 3 seed. At this point, I think it's perfectly OK for you to join the rest of us in saying, "Yeah, I have absolutely no idea."

Interesting wording here...

During the Yankees Opening Day game against the Tigers, Mariano Rivera came into the game with his stirrup socks showing. In the past, he's always had his pants covering up his socks. An article in The NY Post had this to say.

"Rivera, long known for pulling his uniform pants down to his ankles...."

I'm sure there was probably a different way they could've phrased that.

Things I LOVE...

• Jimmer Fredette taking his team on his back
• The jubilant faces of the guys participating in March Madness on the team that just did what nobody thought could be done
• The 11 seeds getting to the sweet 16
• My grandfather...even though his pool's better than mine

Things I Hate (sorry for the bad company March)

• Hey March...I really don't like your attitude.
• Remember when you were 13 and you mouthed off to the wrong guy and he kicked your ass...and then you never mouthed off like that again? Apparently Chris Brown never got his ass kicked when he was younger.
• Lawrence Taylor was just tagged as a "Sex Offender"after he plead guilty to the misdemeanors of sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute. He said that he didn't know the girl was 16. He did know that he is 52 though right?

2011 Mother of the Year Already?

Here's an early candidate for "2011 Mother of the Year"...

The NY Post reported that a pregnant Crestview, Florida woman who was caught tossing back some brews by cops, told them that she was drinking to relieve the stress of being six-months pregnant. The unidenified woman made her boozy excuse after getting arrested for punching out her husband.

Somewhere that kid's like, "Great...my mom's a drunk and my dad's a bitch."

Some Great Quotes...

-The Mets held a press conference to introduce new General Manager Sandy Alderson. I guess his opening statement could've been a little bit better. When introduced as the new Mets General Manager, Alderson said,

"I view the position as General Manager of the Oakland...excuse me, of the New York Mets, as really the best job available in baseball."

Sandy, just a heads up...maybe be drop "Oakland" and "available" from that statement. Just a thought.

-New York Giants DT Barry Cofield on Redskins fans chanting "Green Bay Won" during the Giants/Redskins game indicating the Giants were eliminated from the playoffs...

"Their fans are all cheering and what-not. That shows you the state of their team, that they have to cheer about us failing. When you have no success, those are the kinds of things that excite you."

-I was walking down the street a couple days after NYC just got over 20 inches of snow. At this point, a majority of the streets in the city were still covered with snow...3 days after the storm. As I'm walking, a Dept. of Sanitation truck parked and two workers got out and started walking towards me. As they're talking, one of the guys crumples up a piece of paper and tries to toss it in a garbage can maybe a foot away from him. He hits the edge and it falls on the ground. He looks at it and says to his co-worker...

"Ehh...whadda ya want me to do?"

Doesn't pick it up and walks into a deli. I guess now I'm not that shocked that all our streets are still not plowed.

The Paid Programs.....

I'm gunna touch on just a few paid program items that kinda make me question the existence of human intelligence, or lack there of...

First, the Fushigi Ball...https://www.fushigiball.com/default.aspx?mid=742426 which, shockingly, isn't using the guy pictured above as their spokesman...

Somewhere David Bowie is smiling for a few reasons.

A) his mind-boggling craft of somehow twirling a magic gravity ball between his fingers is finally catching on,

B) his residuals from an unexpected hike in "Labyrinth" DVD sales has bumped his income up, OR

C) he finally has a group of people to hang out with on Saturday nights

And what the hell are you gunna do when you get a Fushigi?.....besides more acid.

Second, the Pajama Jeans https://www.fushigiball.com/default.aspx?mid=742426

What a wonderful idea.

Have we gotten so lazy that we've now decided that there's just way too much effort that has to be put into changing out of our pajamas...or vice versa?

"Pajama jeans are shaping up to be the newest fad." Seriously? Well screw the iPad.

And if I ever see someone at the gym working out in these, I will punch them square in the face.

Third, not even sure of the name of this one, but the thing that "makes your life more convenient" by cutting hard plastic. Apparently we have now officially run out of paid program ideas. And we're now just onto infringement ideas. Cause they're called scissors.

All of which lead me to my next thought...I need to start going to bed earlier.